half empty or half full.. all in a year.

Well on September 8th I turned 50. and the first email I opened was from my lawyer letting me know that I have enough time to get the paperwork done to have my divorce finalized in a month.

Hmm I have learned that when a decision needs to be made and seems to be urgent.., that there is always time to reflect and with consideration and prayer.

Here I am still feeling like I'm trying to .. or waiting for my ducks to all get in a row and now I'm faced with a decision I'm not sure I'm ready to make.. well that may not be true. I know it is inevitable.. and I have no intentions of being with my ex ever again... I guess I just was counting on my “one year” I gave myself to heal.. to reflect... to rest...

Next month it will be 11 years that we had moved into the house we last lived in. I remember feeling so out of place.. not just the horrible conditions we had moved into but the first night being without power.. but of course I made the best of it and made hot choc on the gas stove and my daughter and I used camping oil lamps to look through the sears Christmas catalogue.. some things are always good.ha .. We piled mattresses all up in the master bedroom into two piles so we could sleep together since the house seemed so big and mysterious.. seems funny now..

But one day after unpacking and getting some things in order I phoned my oldest sister. She's pretty common sense, cuts to the chase, and always a good ear.. I mentioned to her that I felt out of place.. almost like an intruder .. She went on to tell me that ANY kind of change.. whether it be a new life, a death, a move, a separation.. any change can be as devastating as the next to some and we should never expect to 'feel' “normal” for at least a year. Wow.. that was sooo cool!! And.. it not only allowed me the time to 'feel' less of an intruder.. but gave me permission to NOT feel OK.

So; when I decided it was over.. the marriage.. there was nothing to save.. in fact there was nothing at all.. that “I” would TAKE my year.!!

Now if only the world would just STOP! Just for a year.. to breathe...

but it won't.. so now I will do what I have to do.. make the decisions I have to make.. but ONLY

because I know.. in all of this.. I have been truly blessed with this grace that is beyond any understanding.. more than I can even explain.. that THIS. .. this year.. this time.. will just be part of the process.. of renewal, of growing, of tearing down, of cleaning out, of building of new..

Here I am.. 50.. .half of 100.... and with 25 yrs of marriage behind me.. it seems that I'm half over, or half there,,. Either way.. I am happy.. I really am. It is like I've been given a second chance.

Now.. the biggest question of all to answer

What do I WANT to do now....

To Date or not to Date.. there is no question.

Someone recently said 'we don't have baggage.. we have nap sacs of lessons learned' a nice positive way of putting it.

But then I just saw a profile of a gentleman on a dating site that said he had NO baggage.. after looking at it for awhile i realized.. he's never been married and never had any kids.. he THINKS he has no baggage..LOL funny!!

And just the other day after talking with a friend over a 'lesson learned' dating experience, I heard the words in my heart “I did everything they wanted”. To every man in my life.. I had tried to be obedient. I tried to be the perfect wife, friend, lover, support system, mother, homemaker, maid, book keeper of finances even when there wasn't enough..

But I sadly forgot to please someone.. myself.. I forgot about me.

In fact I had never even considered me.. what i might want.. or need.

I thought I did.. because those are all the “things” I wanted to be.. or thought would fulfil my life..

and maybe they would have.. had I taken care of the one person .. the most important person...me.

In this 'new life' of singleness, I am determined it won't last long. I have never wanted to be single. I've never liked being single. I have not needed another to make me whole.. but wanted someone to be a partner in life with. To commit to the good, the bad, the ugly, the sad, or the glad .. till death due us part.

But in this new chapter of this journey, I have found a few things that I may have never knew or admitted about myself.. and now.. am finding I have the time.. I hope.. to face, resolve and enjoy this :new” old me.

One of the things that I have had face so far is,

my sexuality... not of the lack, but perhaps of the definition...

not just being me.. but being a woman and all that God created me to be.

Ya and now facing 50 I have decided to do whatever I want to bring that about..

and happy to say.. with all that is out there.. I'm not totally outrageous and having a blast...lol

To simply find that: I am not the one I thought I was “supposed” to be.. or the one that the church said I “should” be, or the one I was told I “shouldn't” be.. But to be me, in all my glory and as I am  pleasing to Him.. my Heavenly Father who created me.

And my kids are happy to see that most of it only involves a little shorter dresses and skirts, some high heels and yes that includes the color red. I have assured them that I have not slipped off my cracker, or plan on joining the local singles clubs, or hitting the bars.. I'm just learning to love “me” again. Finding out who that is, what she may look like.. and so far: I like her alot!! lol

And so we've begun (me,myself and I – I said I hated being single..ha), looking at the prospects of courting.. as one would hope it would be.. where a gentleman caller comes to date and woo us with gifts and kind gestures..

And now.. again .. we are banking everything on those three small words; “I love you”

At one time they were easier to say.. there was less at sake? Or maybe we were just less picky... or too naive...

I have recently uttered the words; “be careful with touching this skin because it has my heart attached to it”. Needless to say he didn't stick around. Which was my full intention.. ha

Then.. comes sex.. or maybe not.. maybe it comes first.. after all, we are in the day and age where compatibility is more important in the bedroom than a hand on a Bible. (sad to say)

To be touched...to dare to be touched and believe its genuine..

I'm not so sure anything has changed.. or if we just see things clearer cause now we all wear glasses..lol

We (everyone I have chatted with, either single friends or those on dating sites) are jaded to some point. And to think we aren't is just kidding ourselves and being open to being disappointed.

Refreshing are those who really are honest. Of course you have to be able to swallow the truth..they are what they are.. there is no guess work.. there is no “hoping they'll change” or thinking “they don't really mean that”.. nope. They aren't changing and yes they really do mean it.. lol

then it comes down to lists

whether young or old, new at this dating game or third time the charm.. we all have lists.

lists of what I want, what I don't want, what I'll give up, what I'll compromise on and what will be my deal breakers...

my deal breakers

Deal breakers when you're young are; An axe murderer or your second cousin.

But when you're old(er) they're more like; Must dance, must like the same music and must put the toilet seat down. There is just no wasting time on things we know annoy us and we're not willing to nip pick about it later.. they either meet the bill or they don't..

So here we go.....

as the old saying goes;

better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

I'm an optimist but I'm not stupid ... I just plan on enjoying this journey too.

From a single step to a journey

When the shock turned to reality, and I decided I was going to have to put one foot in front of the other on my own (in sickness and in health or richer or poorer means NOTHING when its over)... even though I had all those that loved me, family can't make any decisions for you. And although I was blessed to have a friend that had “gone before me” in her own marriage ending,  so that I was confident I would survive....I needed to find my own questions and answers... so after one bad judgement (it is all trial and error.) I found a great counsellor.

I encourage anyone who is going through anything that might be too much to bare, to find one, keep looking till you do and then keep them on retainer..lol

They're trained to listen and pull you out of the cob webs of your mind.

And in the long run way cheaper than anti-depressants and the time it takes for them to work.

I have to say I had found the best fit possible and am so blessed to have her peek into my life.

It was the first time I heard myself.

As surprised as I was ... I was relieved.

She said “well, it sounds like you've made up your mind”

I had just uttered the words “I'm done”

just to say “I want to be cherished” like they were dirty words and expecting to

hear that those are just dreams and words and never come true..

instead she said “you deserve to be cherished” ..wow..

I just kept hearing affirmation after affirmation and in my mind trying to agree,

but I'm crying.. my heart is broken... because I have just realized..

all the things I missed.. .I've missed my whole life...I was just used to not expecting it and settling.

Then it was clear.. so clear I wrote it in marker on my mirror: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

It wasn't my fault for not knowing.. I hadn't known to expect better because it looked and sounded as good as it gets.. well in my world anyway..... there are two things I didn't take into consideration;

1) people can lie and 2) they never change.

One of my favorite books is “a boy who was raised by dogs” its a book where a physiologist

ends up counselling kids that have been abused or neglected in extreme cases, and the process of how he helps them back to being who they are.. most don't make it all the way back.. but they are ok.. It broke my heart and gave me hope... we're all broken at some point.. just how far did it go and how long will it take to get back..

Abuse comes in different forms.. I grew up thinking being hit was so horrible.. but then one day I read a sentence that said “even a dog needs to be petted or it will die”.. it was right.. I was more than willing to be abused and hit rather than to be ignored and made to feel like I was discarded or worse..unlovable.

After finding out the lies in my marriage, I honestly cannot remember what I thought..I do remember it was shortly before a Christmas.. so first I remember trying to figure out, how to get through my grandsons first Christmas without anyone knowing how badly my heart was broken..

Everyday .. just putting one foot in front of the other... just “doing” life. Planning the next day maybe the next week... next after that would be summer holidays to plan.. fake it till you make it??... was my marriage worth saving after “working” on it for so long...

Then my last light at the end of the tunnel was HIM suggesting to do a counselling course, on our own, ordered over the internet. And once again.. I was the fool as “I' planned each session, lesson, date, and watched as he put in as little effort as possible.. again.. there it was.. just enough to say he had tried.. Not a man, not a mouse and not even a coward according to Websters dictionary which defines it as; a person who lacks courage in facing danger, difficulty, opposition, pain, etc.; a timid or easily intimidated person.

This wasn't someone 'afraid' or 'timid' this was someone who had planned to live without consequence.. it would all be "someone elses fault".. yep that would be me.

Only wrong thing with that is; I'm not a survivor.. I'm a pioneer.. I won't just make it through another bad relationship or pull myself together.. nope I will take what I was given and make something better out of it and BAM!

The process

Well, I think there should be some resemblance to order of this blog.. and since I think it will basically go in two ways, I'll try and remember to mark in the title, that each blog is either of the "journey"( the process in which it took me to "leave his sass"), or the new beginning of "dating".. which is (living with sass) basically my introduction into this new age of Internet dating.. yes I can't believe it.. and while I am getting closer to 50 everyday it goes between feeling like I'm going to throw up.. and this excitement of this new world "I" get to entertain.. and no one had to die! lol
And I guess at this point I should also tell you something of me.
I am 'the ex-wife". I will be 50 years old this September. .. If I live to be 100 I still have half my life left..but since that's not going to happen my dad reminded me that I didn't get my crap together till I was in my 20's so really I'm only 30... which in the dating world might as well be 50 since they all want 20 something....ha
oh back to me...I am a white middle aged women going through "the change" gracefully (as long as I don't get my hormone and sleeping medication mixed up  lol ) ya throw that in with dating..lol  I color my hair to whatever mood I'm in.. so far has gone from light brown to dark to blond once, and now back to brown..  it is basically short since I have a hard enough time trying to figure out what to do with it and I'm sorry but at this age..no one should be wearing a pony tail...
When I first got my drivers licence I was 5'5.5" and 110lbs. I know this because I recently moved back to the province in which I was first  licenced and that's what came up.. they actually asked "is that correct?"..REALLY.. someone clearly had not ate their wheat a bix that morning..
Now I'm 5'5".. well that's what I put on the dating sites..lol and I'm anywhere from 150.6 -154lbs.. depending on the amount of choc chips I ate or caesars I drank the night before....I'm assuming... and no, weights are not required on the dating sites just description..(I picked average) since the other choices are slim, athletic or a few extra pounds.. lol
And other than referring to myself as a little eccentric, mainly because I think "normal" is boring.. I like to wear some red, and press on tattoos along with body paint on my feet and legs for artsy events or just for fun.
So I will not be sharing any names .. well real ones.. there may be a few that I make up along the way just to keep the stories interesting..
well I'm not going to get much sleep tonight since I have date #2 tomorrow.. well he is #3 that I've talked with but only #2 that I've met... I will fill in the blanks possibly tomorrow... we'll see how late he keeps me out... hehe

second generation of sass

There are few things I wish I had never had to experience so far in  this life. One is feeling the pain I thought should kill me.. but all.. have brought me back to who I am. Who I was created to be.
This pain....no matter how much I have and will grow from it, will never equate to the feeling of the pain and joy of child birth. It was my children that kept me alive. If I only lived this life so far for them.. It was worth it all.
I pray everyday they will be the women they were created to be. Truely, honestly and maybe like their mom.. with a little touch of sass.

Beginning Again

I remember a poem that my kids used to say:   Jack and Jill sitting in a tree, k.i.s.s.i.n.g. first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Jill pushing a baby carriage...

Well around October I think, of two years ago, my husband of then  23 yrs, told me he didn't love me. Never did. And resented that he had wasted his life on a family when he could have been doing anything he wanted.
Well needless to say I thought I should die. right then, right there.. how could I go so long and not see it. Even worse why is that the first question I ask myself instead of 'why the hell did he say "I do"???'
Of course being from a Christian back ground and us "serving the Lord" was to assure a happily ever after. Well.. sorry to say .. some Christians lie too. and 'forever'??? its like all this time thinking the world was flat.. a nice neat circle with boundaries and if everyone did their part everything would be fine.. then all in one day your eyes are opened and ITs ROUND.. we could just go ANYWHERE.. just wander without boundaries or boarders... so... now we have forever and ever and ever and ever... where ever you want it to go.. or end I suppose.
This blog is in part; my record of a journey ... not just survived but lived and enjoyed. And with lots and lots of tears and heartbreak and sadness.. comes joy in the morning..
and, to maybe help someone else know. .. that this is NOT normal!! this is a train wreck and you couldn't have known when you bought the ticket.
And most important.. to LIVE, LOVE AND LAUGH  as OFTEN as possible!!!  which sometimes involves Internet dating at 50!!! who knew!!! haha..so here I go.