half empty or half full.. all in a year.

Well on September 8th I turned 50. and the first email I opened was from my lawyer letting me know that I have enough time to get the paperwork done to have my divorce finalized in a month.

Hmm I have learned that when a decision needs to be made and seems to be urgent.., that there is always time to reflect and with consideration and prayer.

Here I am still feeling like I'm trying to .. or waiting for my ducks to all get in a row and now I'm faced with a decision I'm not sure I'm ready to make.. well that may not be true. I know it is inevitable.. and I have no intentions of being with my ex ever again... I guess I just was counting on my “one year” I gave myself to heal.. to reflect... to rest...

Next month it will be 11 years that we had moved into the house we last lived in. I remember feeling so out of place.. not just the horrible conditions we had moved into but the first night being without power.. but of course I made the best of it and made hot choc on the gas stove and my daughter and I used camping oil lamps to look through the sears Christmas catalogue.. some things are always good.ha .. We piled mattresses all up in the master bedroom into two piles so we could sleep together since the house seemed so big and mysterious.. seems funny now..

But one day after unpacking and getting some things in order I phoned my oldest sister. She's pretty common sense, cuts to the chase, and always a good ear.. I mentioned to her that I felt out of place.. almost like an intruder .. She went on to tell me that ANY kind of change.. whether it be a new life, a death, a move, a separation.. any change can be as devastating as the next to some and we should never expect to 'feel' “normal” for at least a year. Wow.. that was sooo cool!! And.. it not only allowed me the time to 'feel' less of an intruder.. but gave me permission to NOT feel OK.

So; when I decided it was over.. the marriage.. there was nothing to save.. in fact there was nothing at all.. that “I” would TAKE my year.!!

Now if only the world would just STOP! Just for a year.. to breathe...

but it won't.. so now I will do what I have to do.. make the decisions I have to make.. but ONLY

because I know.. in all of this.. I have been truly blessed with this grace that is beyond any understanding.. more than I can even explain.. that THIS. .. this year.. this time.. will just be part of the process.. of renewal, of growing, of tearing down, of cleaning out, of building of new..

Here I am.. 50.. .half of 100.... and with 25 yrs of marriage behind me.. it seems that I'm half over, or half there,,. Either way.. I am happy.. I really am. It is like I've been given a second chance.

Now.. the biggest question of all to answer

What do I WANT to do now....