WHATS IN A NAME????

Every time I move into the future (weddings, baby's etc) I am reminded of the past (the ex's) and I drive through those back roads and photo albums and then I get lost......

Who am i now?

It seems we (women) have given up everything when we get married.

I realized a long time ago I gave up my life basically to have and raise my children. And I would do that all over again. Its not a sacrifice but a pleasure some don't get to experience.

But I did not realize when I gave up my name I gave up so much more.

Recently my daughter and son in law added her dad's last name (my ex) as her new born sons middle name which at the time I thought was a cool idea
BUT THEN I realized I'm the one who doesn't have that name.. and even “his” (ex) second and third now wife carry that name!!!

Now I'm feeling abandoned.

The other day I commented to my “now” boyfriend about my son in laws wedding band.. its uniqueness.. and he nodded yes, I had probably commented on it before ,. but then he asked me “did you wear your wedding rings all the time?” I almost started to cry .. but quietly answered yes.

Of course, it ment something. It ment something to me.

Another sign I should have recognized. My ex never wore his ring unless I asked him to or when we were going one of 'his' family functions. Another breath.... another sigh of sadness.

And here is that feeling again..

I'm feeling ...

like I'm disappearing...

I was a mom, I was a wife, I was a friend, I had rings, I had a home, I had a family car, I had enough plates and silverware for Christmas. Now.???

I worked hard to become “this?” “that?” now what

more and more I'm hearing of people suggesting prenuptial.

I think if a woman signs a prenup it should state that she keeps her own name AND the children take her name instead of his (he can have the middle name) and that way if things go sour she won't have to return to her maiden name and the kids and her will remain the same.

Just one more way we've given up who we are... whats in a name??? ME!! thats what!

a reminder that all seasons come to an end before a new one can begin.

1. when on-line dating needs a break.. theres only one thing to do. DELETE

R.I.P

Feathersandstones

At first there were hopes, hopes that maybe it could be that easy to fall in love, or at least find some good clean fun companion. Are hopes of being cherished gone?? certainly not.. but a word from the wise. Dating sites are just that pretty much.. DATING sites. If you want long term there probably isn't anyone on there that will capture your heart AND your soul.. well for 'the rest of your life' kinda thing anyway. So far I have head of some realtionships coming out of them.. but they only last a year and half max. Not sure why that seems to be the lucky number.. so This little fishy has decided to take a break. maybe talk to some 'real' people..or at least just work on being that 'real' person and not trying to impress anyone .. and who knows. as for now.
RIP feathersandstones (soft as a feather, hard as stone) you have done great and now its time to rest..

About Me

having fun looking for treasures	biking	bbqs
country music	chocolate	falling in love
eating with friends	family	a quiet breeze
a gentle rain	a hand to hold	a kiss good morning
sunsets

I would like to share my life with someone who is honest, loving, considerate, and secure in life

I am all about finishing one chapter before starting a new one.

And do I have any issues??
I am a woman, I'm 50 and I have grown children.. I am who I am and kinda like it that way and am sure someone else will too if they take the chance.

And I am a Christian, not 'other' there was a box for that and I didn't check it. I am not religious. I am not 'attending anywhere'. I just believe there is a God and I'm not him.
“I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I have no where else to go” Abraham Lincoln


Although we have all heard of the saying "opposites attract" I believe most of us are here in order to hurry the process of finding a partner..here are just some of my interests but am looking forward to trying some new things.
I enjoy my small flower garden, reading (to grow or learn from or true stories), some crafts and spending time with my family.
I like camping, going to auctions, biking, site seeing or just trying out a
new restaurant or cafe' .Or as simple as a walk on the beach or a nice path. Or an evening at home with
good food and a movie.

scattered hopes of love

What exactly are we looking for??

Well here I am again;

with my reflection in my laptop reminding me of the last hour of crying in a tub of bubbles..

And with a bowl of choc chips by my side, and after promising I wouldn't bring any more home to ensure I would break this habit...only to find some white choc chips in the pantry from Christmas baking..

I only know once again I laid in my bath crying... and asking my self.. why,, why am I crying AGAIN....what or who am I missing??

I had just finished reading the definition of relationship..

only to find we have tons of relationships... ranging from those who bag our groceries to the person we have more “intimate relations” with.

Maybe that's what started the water works.. Earlier today I was reminded of how much I missed my girl friend back home. We have shared happy times and some sad times and mostly.. just times.. just days that go by, but with something more.. an understanding...And then I remember, it just so happens to be valentines coming, a perfect time to remind her of how much I cherish her friendship.... wow.. did I just say cherish... yes I did..

and there it is; I miss my friend.. not just that one.. but the one I have always missed.. the one I thought I had.. but then to realize I had only been comforted out of some sort of obligation rather than by someone who truly cared what I was feeling. That is sad.. that maybe hurts more that the realization that my marriage was over since that's what I fought for.. The friendship.. to care for.. to be cared for.. to share.. to look for or have fun in common.. I guess now is the time to Google friendship...

But as far as 'relationships' go;

I have come to realize that infatuation is for the young and naive.

Then I thought I wanted romance.. to be swept off my feet.. ya that landed me in a pool of tears with my face in my pillow crying out 'NO .. NOT AGAIN'.. that didn't sweep me off my feet but land me right on my face...

Definition of Friendship;

Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating the following on a consistent basis:

• The tendency to desire what is best for the other
• Sympathy and empathy
• Honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart
• Mutual understanding and compassion; ability to go to each other for emotional support
• Enjoyment of each other's company
• Trust in one another

Positive reciprocity — a relationship is based on equal give-and-take between the two parties.

• The ability to be oneself, express one's feelings and make mistakes without fear of judgement.

And THERE we should be adding to wedding vows!!

half empty or half full.. all in a year.

Well on September 8th I turned 50. and the first email I opened was from my lawyer letting me know that I have enough time to get the paperwork done to have my divorce finalized in a month.

Hmm I have learned that when a decision needs to be made and seems to be urgent.., that there is always time to reflect and with consideration and prayer.

Here I am still feeling like I'm trying to .. or waiting for my ducks to all get in a row and now I'm faced with a decision I'm not sure I'm ready to make.. well that may not be true. I know it is inevitable.. and I have no intentions of being with my ex ever again... I guess I just was counting on my “one year” I gave myself to heal.. to reflect... to rest...

Next month it will be 11 years that we had moved into the house we last lived in. I remember feeling so out of place.. not just the horrible conditions we had moved into but the first night being without power.. but of course I made the best of it and made hot choc on the gas stove and my daughter and I used camping oil lamps to look through the sears Christmas catalogue.. some things are always good.ha .. We piled mattresses all up in the master bedroom into two piles so we could sleep together since the house seemed so big and mysterious.. seems funny now..

But one day after unpacking and getting some things in order I phoned my oldest sister. She's pretty common sense, cuts to the chase, and always a good ear.. I mentioned to her that I felt out of place.. almost like an intruder .. She went on to tell me that ANY kind of change.. whether it be a new life, a death, a move, a separation.. any change can be as devastating as the next to some and we should never expect to 'feel' “normal” for at least a year. Wow.. that was sooo cool!! And.. it not only allowed me the time to 'feel' less of an intruder.. but gave me permission to NOT feel OK.

So; when I decided it was over.. the marriage.. there was nothing to save.. in fact there was nothing at all.. that “I” would TAKE my year.!!

Now if only the world would just STOP! Just for a year.. to breathe...

but it won't.. so now I will do what I have to do.. make the decisions I have to make.. but ONLY

because I know.. in all of this.. I have been truly blessed with this grace that is beyond any understanding.. more than I can even explain.. that THIS. .. this year.. this time.. will just be part of the process.. of renewal, of growing, of tearing down, of cleaning out, of building of new..

Here I am.. 50.. .half of 100.... and with 25 yrs of marriage behind me.. it seems that I'm half over, or half there,,. Either way.. I am happy.. I really am. It is like I've been given a second chance.

Now.. the biggest question of all to answer

What do I WANT to do now....

To Date or not to Date.. there is no question.

Someone recently said 'we don't have baggage.. we have nap sacs of lessons learned' a nice positive way of putting it.

But then I just saw a profile of a gentleman on a dating site that said he had NO baggage.. after looking at it for awhile i realized.. he's never been married and never had any kids.. he THINKS he has no baggage..LOL funny!!

And just the other day after talking with a friend over a 'lesson learned' dating experience, I heard the words in my heart “I did everything they wanted”. To every man in my life.. I had tried to be obedient. I tried to be the perfect wife, friend, lover, support system, mother, homemaker, maid, book keeper of finances even when there wasn't enough..

But I sadly forgot to please someone.. myself.. I forgot about me.

In fact I had never even considered me.. what i might want.. or need.

I thought I did.. because those are all the “things” I wanted to be.. or thought would fulfil my life..

and maybe they would have.. had I taken care of the one person .. the most important person...me.

In this 'new life' of singleness, I am determined it won't last long. I have never wanted to be single. I've never liked being single. I have not needed another to make me whole.. but wanted someone to be a partner in life with. To commit to the good, the bad, the ugly, the sad, or the glad .. till death due us part.

But in this new chapter of this journey, I have found a few things that I may have never knew or admitted about myself.. and now.. am finding I have the time.. I hope.. to face, resolve and enjoy this :new” old me.

One of the things that I have had face so far is,

my sexuality... not of the lack, but perhaps of the definition...

not just being me.. but being a woman and all that God created me to be.

Ya and now facing 50 I have decided to do whatever I want to bring that about..

and happy to say.. with all that is out there.. I'm not totally outrageous and having a blast...lol

To simply find that: I am not the one I thought I was “supposed” to be.. or the one that the church said I “should” be, or the one I was told I “shouldn't” be.. But to be me, in all my glory and as I am  pleasing to Him.. my Heavenly Father who created me.

And my kids are happy to see that most of it only involves a little shorter dresses and skirts, some high heels and yes that includes the color red. I have assured them that I have not slipped off my cracker, or plan on joining the local singles clubs, or hitting the bars.. I'm just learning to love “me” again. Finding out who that is, what she may look like.. and so far: I like her alot!! lol

And so we've begun (me,myself and I – I said I hated being single..ha), looking at the prospects of courting.. as one would hope it would be.. where a gentleman caller comes to date and woo us with gifts and kind gestures..

And now.. again .. we are banking everything on those three small words; “I love you”

At one time they were easier to say.. there was less at sake? Or maybe we were just less picky... or too naive...

I have recently uttered the words; “be careful with touching this skin because it has my heart attached to it”. Needless to say he didn't stick around. Which was my full intention.. ha

Then.. comes sex.. or maybe not.. maybe it comes first.. after all, we are in the day and age where compatibility is more important in the bedroom than a hand on a Bible. (sad to say)

To be touched...to dare to be touched and believe its genuine..

I'm not so sure anything has changed.. or if we just see things clearer cause now we all wear glasses..lol

We (everyone I have chatted with, either single friends or those on dating sites) are jaded to some point. And to think we aren't is just kidding ourselves and being open to being disappointed.

Refreshing are those who really are honest. Of course you have to be able to swallow the truth..they are what they are.. there is no guess work.. there is no “hoping they'll change” or thinking “they don't really mean that”.. nope. They aren't changing and yes they really do mean it.. lol

then it comes down to lists

whether young or old, new at this dating game or third time the charm.. we all have lists.

lists of what I want, what I don't want, what I'll give up, what I'll compromise on and what will be my deal breakers...

my deal breakers

Deal breakers when you're young are; An axe murderer or your second cousin.

But when you're old(er) they're more like; Must dance, must like the same music and must put the toilet seat down. There is just no wasting time on things we know annoy us and we're not willing to nip pick about it later.. they either meet the bill or they don't..

So here we go.....

as the old saying goes;

better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

I'm an optimist but I'm not stupid ... I just plan on enjoying this journey too.