When the shock turned to reality, and I decided I was going to have to put one foot in front of the other on my own (in sickness and in health or richer or poorer means NOTHING when its over)... even though I had all those that loved me, family can't make any decisions for you. And although I was blessed to have a friend that had “gone before me” in her own marriage ending, so that I was confident I would survive....I needed to find my own questions and answers... so after one bad judgement (it is all trial and error.) I found a great counsellor.
I encourage anyone who is going through anything that might be too much to bare, to find one, keep looking till you do and then keep them on retainer..lol
They're trained to listen and pull you out of the cob webs of your mind.
And in the long run way cheaper than anti-depressants and the time it takes for them to work.
I have to say I had found the best fit possible and am so blessed to have her peek into my life.
It was the first time I heard myself.
As surprised as I was ... I was relieved.
She said “well, it sounds like you've made up your mind”
I had just uttered the words “I'm done”
just to say “I want to be cherished” like they were dirty words and expecting to
hear that those are just dreams and words and never come true..
instead she said “you deserve to be cherished” ..wow..
I just kept hearing affirmation after affirmation and in my mind trying to agree,
but I'm crying.. my heart is broken... because I have just realized..
all the things I missed.. .I've missed my whole life...I was just used to not expecting it and settling.
Then it was clear.. so clear I wrote it in marker on my mirror: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.
It wasn't my fault for not knowing.. I hadn't known to expect better because it looked and sounded as good as it gets.. well in my world anyway..... there are two things I didn't take into consideration;
1) people can lie and 2) they never change.
One of my favorite books is “a boy who was raised by dogs” its a book where a physiologist
ends up counselling kids that have been abused or neglected in extreme cases, and the process of how he helps them back to being who they are.. most don't make it all the way back.. but they are ok.. It broke my heart and gave me hope... we're all broken at some point.. just how far did it go and how long will it take to get back..
Abuse comes in different forms.. I grew up thinking being hit was so horrible.. but then one day I read a sentence that said “even a dog needs to be petted or it will die”.. it was right.. I was more than willing to be abused and hit rather than to be ignored and made to feel like I was discarded or worse..unlovable.
After finding out the lies in my marriage, I honestly cannot remember what I thought..I do remember it was shortly before a Christmas.. so first I remember trying to figure out, how to get through my grandsons first Christmas without anyone knowing how badly my heart was broken..
Everyday .. just putting one foot in front of the other... just “doing” life. Planning the next day maybe the next week... next after that would be summer holidays to plan.. fake it till you make it??... was my marriage worth saving after “working” on it for so long...
Then my last light at the end of the tunnel was HIM suggesting to do a counselling course, on our own, ordered over the internet. And once again.. I was the fool as “I' planned each session, lesson, date, and watched as he put in as little effort as possible.. again.. there it was.. just enough to say he had tried.. Not a man, not a mouse and not even a coward according to Websters dictionary which defines it as; a person who lacks courage in facing danger, difficulty, opposition, pain, etc.; a timid or easily intimidated person.
This wasn't someone 'afraid' or 'timid' this was someone who had planned to live without consequence.. it would all be "someone elses fault".. yep that would be me.
Only wrong thing with that is; I'm not a survivor.. I'm a pioneer.. I won't just make it through another bad relationship or pull myself together.. nope I will take what I was given and make something better out of it and BAM!
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